April 2, 2008

One of the most exhilarating experiences of your young life is the first time you truly see someone you’ve been looking at day after day after day – and in an instant, finally understanding the word “soulmate.”
One of the hardest experiences of your mature life is realizing how beautiful and tragic that discovery, more than ten years too late, really is.

I was not a brave girl. I chose to fall for the men who told me I was like clear water, calm and unturbulent. Men who told me I was like soap bubbles. Men who vowed to never fall in love. Men who thought of me as a noun to be boxed up and stored on a shelf.

I dated a banker who thought I was a good investment.
And a lawyer who called me convincing.
And a poet who always said he knew I’d leave,
loving me with one barefoot out the door,
making analogies from my favorite quotes
“…you are a strange new world. Always before I had felt like a person, an individual, hopeful that I could mold my life according to some desire of my own, but with you I am ingorant, insignificant, unimportant – one in millions whose destiny concerns no one. You do not even know of my existence. Nor do you care.”

It was truer on rainy days.
I’m braver now.
I’m smarter now.

I still want the wrong things.
I still hear what’s being said between the lines
in the hush between sips and sighs.

If you asked each one I ever loved
to define
seven different boys
would give you seven different answers
that remind you vaguely of a girl you knew once, too.
Who liked the song “Moon River”
and floated in a pool with a ballgown on
like a taffeta water lily on a hot august night.
Who hated long division, but always did well on spelling tests.
And scored a 101 on her state capitals test in 6th grade.
Who believed in hand-written thank-you notes
and white bed linens
and family ties
and staying up to see the eclipse

and bending the world to her unreasonable reason
somewhere over the rainbow
with an upside down welcome mat.
I’m braver now.
My huckleberry friend.

You’ll see.


One Response to “clocks.”

  1. GµårÐïåñ Says:

    This hits close to heart. I want to both thank you for putting in words and also say that we are all much braver now. I’ll bore you with it one day when you have nothing better to do.

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