Classic Hits of Yore

March 13, 2008

 Was going through and old blog and came across some of my best snippets.  Enjoy.

 “4 out of 5 dentists agree…my parents should get divorced!”

 “This blog is boring.  Here…let me make it up to you: TITS! TITS! TITS GALORE!”


“Even if I can’t see that – and don’t want to accept it – there has to be meaning and reason behind all of this. But even still, I’m frustrated, hurting, and missing too.  And even still … holding out hope…..which is probably what passengers on the Titanic said.”

“I have a feeling Christopher Columbus’ little NinaPintaSantaMaria journey began as the day did for me.  I woke up to a beautiful fall morning and, from my bed, as I looked out the window, thought “I am SO not going to class today!”  …although my next thought was not “Let me approach the Queen of Spain for financing of my journey to discover the indies that turn out to be the Americas and ps we might as well kill off the indians while we’re at it!”  So really my day was nothing like Christopher Columbus’ at all.”

“Today I’m going to go to the metropark to have an autumn stroll.  After that I’m going to the antique store to discover remnants of former lifetimes being sold at current-lifetime prices.  Then I’ll buy some fresh produce from the farmers market, and we’ll put the carrots and gourds and bell peppers inside my canvas tote instead of a paper or plastic bag, because farmers are the kind of people who believe in all the right reasons.”

“Beyond the normal myriad of fun and frolic of my typical week-life, it’s been extra nutty (…pistachios: Nut known for its distinctive open shell; often roasted and salted whole. Commonly eaten as a snack or used for cooking.)  Some of the nuts have been gnarly pistachios in nearly-closed shells that cannot be pried open despite the best efforts of even the most seasoned of nut-adventurers.  Others have been delicious and precious pistachios I would have happily presented to some child prince in a previous lifetime.  Some have been Elvis-shaped, Virgin Mary pistachios I could have sold on eBay for a million pesos and a leather satchel.”

“Thank you full moon! This is why people live in grass huts.” (it should be noted I have no idea what I was referring to with this comment)

“Despite all the happy pumpkin haunted house laughing under the stars getting lost getting found carving guts everywhere long looks explaining flip flops cold toes… I’ve felt acutely aware of where I am this week, stuck in mental purgatory…waiting.  “Stuck” isn’t the right word, it seems too negative, and this feeling is NOT bad or sad or even tragic.   It just is.  It’s laying on the floor listening to music with obvious lyrics that all make sense.  It’s sitting in this room circling my left hand around an exposed light bulb danging from above the bed – an act with no start and no finish.  It’s a ride on the train, surrounded by all the other people waiting and searching in their own version of the same tired story.

Where am I going?  I’m tired of waiting.  I’m tired of comparing life to nuts.  I’m tired of writing between the lines.  I’m tired of shouting through upward looks – between lashes and flashes of iris – lasting a fraction of a second too long.  I’m tired of all the lies that could have easily been told by simply looking away.  I’m tired of these unspoken truths we’ve committed to.

And most of all, I don’t know why or how I’m happy here.  But I am.  And I don’t know if that’s wrong. 

“Tonight on DISCOVERY: Born with Two Heads …. !!!!!!!!!!!  The second head can breathe, suckle, and blink …but it has no lower body!!!  HOLY SHIT!!!  I should stop watching this channel.”

“From the moment I touched it, I realized something was terrible awry.  Much like the moment when your hand touches a hot surface, my heart knew something was terribly wrong, before my brain had a chance to process. 

I was touching feces.

“POOP!!! POOP!!!” I screeched, gesturing to the bathwater (my now crying, nude baby sister still sitting in it) with my clean hand, whilst holding the offended hand up for her to see.  “POOP!!  I TOUCHED THE POOP!!!”

I don’t remember what happened next, how my mom dealt with two frantic children and a turd in the tub, but she managed somehow.  I do, however, remember sitting on the toilet, looking across the room at our basket of decorative soaps, and seeing the brown bear soap grinning at me with wide, mocking eyes.  He was a bastard.  A basTURD some might even say.”

“In the long run of life, our siblings will ultimately offend is in one way or another.  Some shit in the bath, some vomit on your head.”


“Whenever I watch Cold Mountain, I always get really excited when Jude Law finally makes it home and returns to Nicole….so he can shave off that hideous beard.”

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