gross anatomy.

February 4, 2008

My little sister is in her first year of medical school. It’s funny because I still think of her as the little girl who once shat in the tub. The reality is, however, that she is now a big girl who once shat in the tub. And one day she is going to be the doctor who shat in the tub. This is even funnier if you knew my real last name, which you do not.

Something terrible happens to people when they go to medical school – they become completely unphased by the horrors they witness on a regular basis and immune the fact that 99% of the things they learn about are horrific to common man. They casually tell you stories of the ER – of “lost” items in the tail-end of the intestine, parasites galore, and sometimes – on very bad days – they call you over to “see something” on the computer and then your retinas are burned off by some freakshow unfolding before your very eyes. If you learn nothing else today, let it be DONT TRUST DOCTORS. They’re evil people with really long q-tips.

So tonight, as has become our habit, I sent my sister a message on GoogleTalk to see how her studying is going. Tonight, however, she surprised me:

A: Hey NAMEOFSISTER, whats up? How’s studying?
Sister: i’m so tired of looking at pictures of the perineum
A: Well hello to you too!
Sister: ball sac after ball sac after ball sac
Sister: butthole, creepy in-between skin, ballsac, tip of the penis
A: Shouldn’t you be using words like “anus” and “scrotum” and “vas deferens” instead of “butthole” and “ball sac” Doctor?
Sister: every time I go back to studying it’s more “junk”
Sister: in this picture the guy is pulling his ballsac upwards so we can see what’s underneath
Sister: which is just. more. weird. skin.
Sister: today in lab we had to start “that area” on our cadaver
Sister: do you know what that means?
A: I imagine “that area” is kind of like when people refer to “other things” as a “kitty” or a “lily” or “va-jay-jay”
Sister: Shut up. It means BALL SCENT OF THE DEAD!
A: Shouldn’t you take him to dinner first? I’m not sure what to say. I’m not sure what the proper answer is.
A: I’m not sure sisters discuss this type of thing and frankly I feel uncomfortable with your repeated use of the word ballsac before bed.
Sister: Yeah, I’m turning into you.
Amy: Touché, old chap! 2Girls1Cup! Love you goodnight.
Sister: 2G1C. I hate you. Goodnight.

To understand the profound hilarity, you should know that my sister is the biggest WASP I know and I don’t think she’s ever said “fuck” in her life let alone “ballsac.” Truthfully, I was shocked that she knows what that is. Nonetheless, our conversation reminded me of freshman health class. The year was 1995 and my teacher, a veteran ex-nurse, made a hippie decision to get rid of tests and quizzes and let us learn for the sake of learning.
When the day finally came to learn “human anatomy” she divided us into boys and girls and sent us off into separate corners to play what would come to be known (at least in my head) as “reproductive win-lose-or-draw.” Thus began the showcase showdown wherein girls had to draw the male reproductive system and guys had to draw the female reproductive system and the end result was – i kid you not – exactly this (fig. 1.1):

and the more we stared at them the more I realized it was less of a penis, and more of an abstract shape waiting to turn into something greater … such as a man peeping over a fence … and a uterus? This was no uterus. It was a praying mantis! (see fig. 1.2)

much like the first time you hear your baby sister say ballsac, there is no way to end this blog post, so I’ll let it crawl under the porch and die alone with what little dignity remains. Sweet dreams, dear readers.
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3 Responses to “gross anatomy.”

  1. C. Fraser Says:

    Is it really ballsac, or should it be ballsack? I think it’s good that you and your sister can have these discussions. The world needs more discussions that include references to ‘two girls one cup’, which, btw, I refuse to watch, due to religious considerations. And by that I mean that I don’t want to see it because it sounds gross.

    The drawings are classic! I learned about the female reproductive system the old fashioned way – my friends dads Playboys.

  2. Simon R. Gladdish Says:

    Ther was a young lady named Amelie
    Who remembered every calamity.
    She never forgot that
    Her sister once shat
    In the bath whilst they were bathing en famille!

  3. Simon R. Gladdish Says:

    There was a young lady named Amelie
    Who remembered every calamity.
    She never forgot that
    Her sister once shat
    In the bath whilst they were bathing en famille!

    (Correctly spelt version!)


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